Why Are You Still At Home?

This is the greatest article! It completely explains why I do what I do. And this week I have had to keep both my girls home all week long because they've been sick. I think that proves the point. My kids need me. School is just for a few hours 5 out of 7 days. Just enough time for me to help at school and keep the house in order so I can focus on them in the afternoons and evenings when they are home. I have the best job in the world. I am so blessed!

Subject: Why Are You Still At Home? Responses for Stay-at-Home Parents of School-Age Kids
Date: 2001-08-27

Why Are You Still At Home?
Responses for Stay-at-Home Parents of School-Age Kids
By Lucynda Koesters


So you're a stay-at-home parent of kids in school. It's back to school time and you just know you're going to get those questions and comments from people, some well-meaning and some not. You know: "What are you going to do all day now that the kids are in school?" "Are you going back to work?" "Can't you get a part-time job?" "Aren't you going to get bored?" "Don't you feel guilty not working?"

No matter how much you brace yourself for this onslaught, you still cringe when the questions arrive. Part of it probably is a little guilt you feel because you have no intention of returning to any work outside the home. That's ok, because it is societal pressure that makes you feel this way. Everyone is supposed to work at a job in this country. While we pay lip service to the at-home parent of small children, it is somehow wrong for a parent of school-age children to remain at home.

Responding to these inquiries in a pleasant and non-defensive frame of mind is very hard to do, but it is not impossible. What's required is a firm belief in your chosen way of life.

Why ARE you at home with children who are now back in school for most of the day? Why AREN'T you going back to work? What are the benefits of being at home at this stage of family life?

Sorry, but to successfully handle the inquiries, you must be able to answer these questions in your own mind. The first step is getting rid of the guilt and gaining a firm belief in yourself and your chosen lifestyle. To help you get started, reflect on these benefits of a stay-home parent:
A stay-home parent is usually the last person children see and talk to before they leave and the first person to greet them when they arrive home. Children derive a great sense of security from knowing a parent is available to them immediately before and after school. Children have a chance to get valuable words of encouragement in the morning and an opportunity to share their day in the afternoon. Children are also greatly supported in the knowledge that mom or dad is at home and available during the day in case of a problem at school.

A stay-home parent can get household chores, cooking and errands done during the school day, thereby freeing up the valuable afternoon hours to help with homework and creating true family time in the evenings.

A stay-home parent often has the freedom and flexibility to volunteer at the children's school during the school day. Seeing the parent's involvement, children learn to value their education. The parent gets an invaluable understanding of the inner workings of the school and how the children spend time there. Parents develop better relationships with teachers, school staff and other parents, increasing the children's sense of security.

A stay-home parent is often a less-stressed parent, fully available to support the needs of the family in the after-school hours. Having a calm and content parent to anchor the family is a great benefit to all members.
Now that you have reviewed a few reasons you are not going to work, what do you say to all these people who question your choices? Here are a few diplomatic and non-threatening responses:
I plan to remain at home to be available before and after school for the kids, and to volunteer at school during the day. Between housework, homework and school duties, I will keep very busy.

Our family really needs me to remain at home - it's worked out well so far, and I plan to continue as long as possible.

The children like the fact that I'm home. They like coming home after school instead of going to the after-care program. It gives us time to complete homework before going to soccer practices.

During the day, there are a million things to get done at home; I'm really very busy. But, I like to have afternoons and evenings free for the family, so I plan to stick to this schedule.
So, the next time you encounter some well-meaning, or maybe not so well-meaning friend or relative firing off questions about your lifestyle, remain calm and pleasant and answer them with quiet conviction that your lifestyle is best for you and your family.

Lucynda Koesters is a stay-home mom of two school-age kids and a free-lance writer, concentrating on family issues. Write her at: lkoestrs@venus.net

What's up Doc?

I feel bad that I've not posted on my blog since February. I've been wanting to upload photos and write... It's not that I've lost interest... I think lots of things in my life have gone to the wayside since my health problems began again last fall.

I'm a medical mess right now and I'm trying to find answers, but so far no doctor has been able to help me.

This all goes back to a year after Bridget was born (she's 6 now). When I was done nursing, I decided to try a new birth control pill called Seasonale. With this pill, you only have to worry about the yucky girl stuff once every three months, hence the name "season-ale". Over about 3-4 years of taking this pill, I gradually gained weight, until I'd become about 80+ pounds heavier. Keeping in mind that I was skinnier than I'd ever been as a mom a few months after having Bridget, this was very alarming and depressing. I continuously asked my family doctor for help. You see, not only had I gained an alarming amount of weight, I was also suffering from insomnia, bad headaches/sometimes migraines, anxiety... my bra size had gone from a C to an F. Yikes! My doctor was convinced I had a thyroid condition and had me do bloodwork every six months, and in the meantime, prescribed a sleeping medicine and an anti-anxiety med. And I should get stock in Tylenol and over-the-counter migraine meds.

Finally I made a connection to the birth control. I did a lot of research online to prove I had a case that it was that pill that wreaked havoc on my body. My fam doc looked in one of his books for extended lists of side-effects and laughed that the pill should be marketed for breast enlargement as opposed to birth control. Real funny. Then, after years of trying to figure out the weight gain, he gave up on me and said that it was simple: I needed to eat fewer calories than I burned. Nice, I'm just a fat, lazy pig.

Those of you who know me, know I love food (used to anyway--that died with the constant label-reading and such). And you also know that I love good quality food, not junk. And many of you know my story of playing DDR one summer for 5-8 hour stretches with Ursula for a few weeks, several days a week, chuggin down the water... and I still gained weight. That was my clue that something bigger was wrong with me. I was not just a fat, lazy, pig.

I found a new family doctor. She checked my pituitary gland with a very expensive MRI contrast test (I'm still paying on this one) to see if something was wrong with my head, checked my thyroid with an ultrasound (another pricey test), and then did extensive bloodwork (I sat in the office, fasting, for 4 hours) to determine if I have insulin resistance. The cheapest test was the winner--I am insulin resistant.

I was put on a strict diet and took Metformin, 2000 mg a day. It worked. I slowly lost about 20 pounds over a few months time, which was a huge triumph after years of only gaining. The Metformin made everything right again... no more insomnia, no more headaches, no more hunger problems, and finally regular periods (I hadn't had a period for over a year prior to this diagnosis--that pill really messed me up). I was feeling great and had hope of getting my old body back.

But then all my progress suddenly stopped.

Along with the periods came an unexpected pregnancy that ended in a violently scary manner for me. I was about 8 or 9 weeks along when I started spotting, so I begged to be seen. These days, they won't even look at you unless you're 12 weeks along or further. It wasn't like that with my two girls. So, I begged and begged, and finally saw an ultrasound tech. There was no heartbeat. Bloodwork was scheduled right then and again a couple days later to check if my hcg levels were going up. They went up, but didn't double, so the nurse told me over the phone that I had an inviable pregnancy. End of story. They refused to see me. The best they could do was schedule a D & C. I never saw my ob/gyn.

This wasn't good enough for me, so I left the practice and starting seeing Dr. Salazar who came highly recommended by a couple good friends. He was very compassionate. He did ultrasounds every few days, as well as more bloodwork. My numbers continued to go up, but we knew something was still wrong. After a few weeks of this, we were finally able to determine without any doubt that the baby really was dead and making no progress at all. But, I just didn't feel right taking matters into my own hands.

I carried the dead baby for a couple months. Every day I woke up wondering if that was the day my body would finally start the miscarriage and all this would be over. Eventually the doctor convinced me I could take a medication to help my body start the natural release process. It didn't work. We tried it again and it started the process this time, but slowly. Another ultrasound indicated things were going in the right direction. Something about that last exam upset my body and I began bleeding profusely. It was horrid. I was taken to the ER and they slowed things down, but I had to have an emergency D & C the next day.

For some reason, although I felt really great immediately following the surgery, it took a long time for me to recover. I was exhausted. I probably should have had a blood transfusion.

A few months later, I had a follow-up visit with Dr. Salazar. He was surprised to learn I still had not had a period and prescribed a new birth control pill.
But, I've never been the same since the miscarriage.

No period since last June. And about two months ago, the weight started creeping back on.

The kind doctor who finally diagnosed me as insulin resistant retired. I was stuck seeing a nurse practitioner. She obviously knew very little about IR. She did, however, say she thought the birth control pills were the culprit and said I should stop them immediately. She also ordered some extensive bloodwork, which was good.

My results showed insulin in my blood, which means the Metformin isn't working like it did in the beginning.
The results also showed a couple vitamin deficiencies. She prescribed some vitamins, told me to watch what I eat, and sent me on my way. Here's the kicker: she told me it was a simple formula--take in fewer calories than I burn.

Wow. Same crap I got a few years ago from the doctor who'd given up because he was convinced it was my thyroid.
Well, that simple formula only works on people whose bodies use their insulin properly and aren't all chemically jacked up like mine.

Oh, I forgot to mention that the headaches came back, I had horrible night sweats, all the stuff that happened before...
Add to that some psychotic withdrawal to the new birth control pills--I had horrible mood swings and migraines, and my fingernails split into layers and cracked in weird places. I'm tired all the time. I often feel sick. Just sick. I can't describe it. I just feel like my knees are going to give out on me and I feel kinda dizzy or something, like all I can do is lay down. I have some good days here and there. But, on those good days I try to catch up on everything I've neglected and I become exhausted again. Sometimes the headaches are incapacitating.

So, Dr. Salazar took on my case. Still no periods, so he's worried and says I need a birth control pill to get me back on track. NO! I've gained another 20 pounds in the last month. SO scary, I tell him. I tell him that if I get much heavier, it will be impossible to think good thoughts. The headaches are awful--he considers sending me to a neurologist. I tell him there is one big question in my mind: what has stopped the Metformin from working, because that was making everything right again. He can't answer it. He suggests doubling my amount, but looks it up and finds I'm already maxed out on dosage.

SO, the next step, as suggested by my good social worker friend, is to see an endocrinologist. It took pleading and crying to get that referral, but I finally got it.

I have hope that this specialist will be able to find out what is wrong with all my body chemistry mix-ups. My appointment is April 29th.

I've cancelled all follow-ups with that nurse practitioner. I need to find a new family doctor. I go back to see Dr. Salazar in three months.

I'm still tired a lot, almost all the time. I'm often not feeling well, but have to press onward. I feel like a sickling, but I don't look sick, so I'm just perceived as being lazy. It totally sucks.

But, I'll get through it.
I won't give up.

I must find a doc who can tell me what's up!