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Tired of Being Tired

I've been tired for a week. I mean sleep all day and all night, only get up twice to eat and go to the bathroom tired.

I read that when you lose as much blood as I did (and it was so scary), it could take 4-6 weeks to recover and feel normal again. I talked to my pharmacist yesterday to see what I can do to help speed up recovery of my blood cells. Of course he recommended Iron supplements, which I purchased. I also got some vitamin C supplements. With those two supplements and my daily multi-vitamin and my insulin medicine, that was 5 pills I had to take this morning. I also read to drink plenty of water, of course, and to make sure I get enough salt.

I actually feel a lot better today than I have felt in a week... meaning, I am not light-headed and dizzy and shaking all over just from getting the girls on the bus and off to school. But, I'm still going to have to go take a nap before I can do anything else today. I'm so glad not to be shaking and nauseous, but I'll be glad when I have energy again and when I can stop feeling like this fragile thing that will bruise if you look at me funny.

Vicki asked us last night if we plan to try to have another baby. This is weighing very heavily on me. I feel terrified to put myself in that position again. What if I miscarry again? What if I bleed that bad again, whether I miscarry or deliver full-term? I just feel sick even thinking about it. I think I'm going to return the few baby items I purchased a month ago. Once I'm fully recovered, the doctor will do a blood test to determine if I have a bleeding disorder. I think I'll feel better equipped to make such a life-changing decision once I know more about why I've nearly bled to death with the last two babies. And if I can't physically handle it, what do I do? Is there another spirit child waiting for us to bring him/her here on earth? What was I supposed to learn from this experience? Was this a warning to make permanent changes to prevent another pregnancy that could kill me? Are we supposed to adopt? Or are we just done? I just really don't know right now and need more time to figure it out.
I'm too tired right now...

Women, The Multipliers

A cute quote I got in an email today from my aunt Linda:

Whatever you give a woman, she's going to alter.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you meals.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges whatever you give her.

So, if you give her crap, you will receive more s@#% than any one human being can handle!

After a Miscarriage and Surgery: What They Don't Tell You

Let me back up and mention a part of the surgery prep I had not expected and threw me completely off...
At least at the Indiana Surgery Centery attached to Community Hospital South, they have this amazing program for women who miscarry. They offer to take the remains of your baby collected during surgery and through this special program, deliver the remains to a specific mortuary who will provide funeral services.

As irrational as this may sound, I had my own ways of dealing with the miscarriage, like telling myself the following:
* It never developed past 5 weeks, so it hadn't turned into a baby yet. (Now, were I arguing over abortion ethics, I would not say it this way, but when you have a miscarriage, you do what you can to convince yourself it's not as bad as you at first think... besides, I don't know when the spirit enters a body and I didn't feel like I'd lost a spirit... but I do believe in the potential of a human body, which is why it was so important for me to confirm the "baby" was dead before scheduling Dilation and Curettage. I felt I mourned the loss of the potential addition to our family, not the actual bundle of nurves that had not developed any further.)
* It could be so much worse.
* Miscarriage is common, it's no big deal.

So, when the beautiful and compassionate nurse asked me what I wanted to do with the remains of my baby, I broke down. I was not prepared for that question. I had stopped thinking of it as losing a baby and convinced myself I was just dealing with female issues, it was no big deal, women deal with this all the time... I explained to her that I had been bleeding for days and passing huge clots, so most likely, all I had left was lots of blood and I had already flushed my baby's remains down the toilet. As those words left my lips, I choked and cried even harder. But, I didn't want to waste someone else's money on burying a bunch of blood clots. It would be different had the baby developed further, right?

I've been dealing with other issues post-miscarriage that I hadn't expected, so I did some Google searching to see what I could find, to try to determine I'm not abnormal in this respect. I have found almost nothing. I must be crazy. Here are some examples of what I'm talking about:

* I am terrified to become pregnant again. What if I have another miscarriage? What if I bleed like this again after a miscarriage or after birth again? (I had these same bleeding problems after having Bridget, just not quite to the extent that I did with this miscarriage--it was very scary.)

* I think I have the "baby blues". There have been a couple times I caught myself fighting back tears for no reason at all, or maybe just because I was alone. I just felt sad, but had no specific reason to feel that way. I feel insecure. I had the exact same anxiety attack I had both times I gave birth when it was time for Aaron to go back to work... "could I do it alone?" "What if something happens and I'm here by myself?" I knew it was irrational, but the tears began anyway. I just didn't let Aaron know.

* I'm sure I'm having other hormonal issues... I'm craving chocolate like I do with a really bad period. My hair is falling out by the handfuls--it's really bad. I guess this makes sense--my bloodwork before surgery revealed I still had an hCG level in the 4000 range. Not good. I'm sure my levels just dropped drastically after the surgery.

* I'm extrememly tired. I felt so good right after surgery that I just thought I'd be up and moving around in no time. But, I have spent every day since the surgery in bed. After taking a shower, I'm exhausted and have to go back to sleep. They said to be careful for the next 24 hours after surgery, but no one said I'd be this tired for this long. In fact, one source I found said most women can return to work after a couple days. What's wrong with me? Is it because of all the bleeding? That wasn't normal, so maybe that's the variable.

Anyway, there you have it. This is my life after a miscarriage and after surgery. Not sure what I expected, but definitely not the lows, fatigue, hair loss and anxiety I've felt.

Planned VS. Reality

Here's what was planned:

Friday (9/5/08)--Normal school and work day planned. Later, Aaron's mom (who lives in Florida and came out for the baby blessing) would be staying overnight and going with us to the Temple Saturday morning.

Saturday (9/6)--We were to leave the house by 6:30 am and spend the whole day at the temple. The girls were going to help with child care while we helped the youth with baptisms and then did an endowment session and then finish the afternoon witnessing a couple in our ward get sealed to each other.

Sunday (9/7)--We would be attending the Brownsburg Ward @ 1 p.m. for Stevie's baby blessing. Afterward, all the Vails were to come to our house for dinner.

Monday (9/8)--A regular day at work & school... I would be preparing for surgery on Tuesday. I would make sure the girls' backpacks were packed, lunches in the fridge ready to go, and school clothes laying out. We would have a regular FHE lesson and I'd have Aaron give me a priesthood blessing in preparation for the surgery.

Tuesday (9/9)--I was supposed to be at the Indiana Surgery Center by 7:30 a.m. to prep for my 9 a.m. surgery. Aaron would be taking me to surgery and my Mom had agreed to come over at 7 to get the girls ready for school and on the buses. I'd already made arrangements with my YW presidency--they knew I wouldn't be at church this evening. But, I planned for Aaron to be able to take Vicki to Activity Days--I would just be home recovering.

And here is what really happened:

Friday--Aaron's mom couldn't stay with Tim & Jenny because Tim had come down with strep. She needed me to come get her, but I was in a presidency meeting. Aaron left work, got his mom, and they stayed here all day Friday. I showed up later that afternoon, after having lunch with Wendy at BJ's (great restaurant!). Luckily they were both asleep when I got home, so I took advantage and took a nap, too, after cleaning the bathrooms. We tried to get to bed early, but it was tough. I got the van packed with temple clothes and activity bags. Then, we got the call that Tim was in the hospital. His throat was swollen shut and they weren't so sure it was strep. They were keeping him overnight and running more tests in the morning. Jenny was so upset and to add to the fun, she got pulled over for a headlight being burned out. So, Aaron and Mom Vail left for Brownsburg to stay with Jenny, help with Stevie, and give Tim a blessing.
It was a long night... Aaron called around 1 a.m. to check in and Vicki woke up and wondered where Grandma was and cried when I told her what was going on. She was very upset we weren't going to the temple. Bridget woke up at 4 a.m. to go to the bathroom.
And, all this time, I had started to bleed again. That figures, really--I finally decide to take control of the situation and get surgery scheduled and my body decides to remind me that it is in control and began to try to complete the miscarriage naturally on its own. It wasn't heavy, so I didn't let it worry me too much... although I will admit I was a little bit terrified about maybe being in the temple in all white and the bleeding getting heavier...

Saturday--We didn't make it to the temple. The girls were both very upset. But, they did get to spend some nice quality time with their grandma. We went to the park most of the afternoon. The weather was gorgeous. I wasn't feeling 100% and attributed it to having the miscarriage, but it still wasn't really bad. Dan & Tricia came to pick Debbie up to stay with them and we went out to grab dinner, ate it by the big water-fountain at the mall, then walked over to Barnes & Noble and had a great time in the bookstore.

Sunday--Everything went as planned. Only two glitches: I accidentally turned the crock pot to "warm" instead of "high", so I had to bust a move to get the chicken cooked when we got back from church.
And, the miscarriage had gotten heavier and I was cramping pretty bad--I was pretty miserable. I knew I'd need to call the doctor in the morning.

Monday--The girls went to school and Aaron to work as normal. I called the doctor and left a message saying I could most likely cancel the surgery for tomorrow morning because I had been bleeding all weekend and obviously was having the miscarriage on my own and didn't need the D&C. I went to have lunch with Aaron and the nurse called me back while I was out with him--the doctor wanted me to come in for yet another ultrasound.
He went ahead and canceled the surgery, but told me it was possible I'd still need to have it later. I told him that I didn't feel right, that I'd been shaky all day. We thought maybe I was anemic because of the miscarriage, so he ordered blood work for me. Well, I don't know if it was the internal ultrasound and/or the exam, but once Dr. Salazar left the exam room and I got up to get dressed, I began to bleed very heavily and passed a couple clots. I was frantic, trying to clean myself up and not leave a big mess in the exam room. I'd accidentally left my celtic wedding ring behind.
I drove myself to Community Hospital for my blood work. I barely made it to the bathroom in the ER area--I had passed a huge blood clot about the size of a tennis ball. I called the doctor's office from the bathroom in a fit of tears. They said the blood clots were normal, not to worry, but to call if I had any other questions. Well, I could not get the bleeding to stop long enough to leave the bathroom. I was in there for over an hour, crying, bleeding, passing enormous blood clots.
I called Aaron and he left work and came to my rescue (his car is still at Community Hospital as I type). He talked to me until he found me and came into the bathroom with a wheelchair to get me out. He wheeled me to the lab for my blood work, then took me home after picking up my ring I left at the office. In the short time it took to get home, I bled through a pad, my undergarments, and my shorts. I tried to get to the toilet, but blood went everywhere and I dropped another big clot on the bathroom floor. Graphic, I know. Can you imagine living it? I came completely unglued. I was sobbing. Aaron called the doctor for me. I was filling a pad every 10 minutes.
Dr. Salazar sent us to ER. My mom met us at the hospital and took the girls overnight. They did more blood work (the work I'd already done about an hour earlier was sent away). After several hours, they gave me a very painful shot in my butt muscle to try to control the bleeding. I was to follow-up with some pills that would also help with the bleeding. They gave me a script for pain meds for the cramping. I got home around 11:30 that night. My sweet husband took me through the drive-through since I hadn't eaten, and then after dropping me off at home, went back out to buy all the embarrassing supplies I'd need to deal with the bleeding overnight.
So much for FHE.

Tuesday--Mom brought the girls home for school, but Aaron let them stay home since they hadn't gotten much sleep. The doctor's office called and asked me to come in. I told them I was too tired, couldn't we do it tomorrow. LOL They politely told me I needed to come in right away. Dr. Salazar didn't like what he saw in yet another ultrasound (this had become a daily thing for me) and asked me when I ate last. He scheduled me for surgery at 4:00. I had two hours to go home and take a shower and get the girls ready and find a sitter and get a blessing from Aaron. Tricia was wonderful and took care of the girls. But, Vicki didn't get to go to Activity Days. I had to be at the Indiana Surgery Center by 2:30 for prep. I've never had surgery before, so I was scared. But, they were wonderful people there. They took very good care of me.
Once I got over the anesthetic, I felt fabulous! I was elated to be able to go to the bathroom and there wasn't any blood! I wanted to shout it from the rooftops! Times like these, you totally grasp the "opposition in all things" principle. By the time I got home, my throat began to hurt from the tube they put down my throat during surgery, and I had some mild discomfort, but I was still so happy to be on the road to recovery and getting past all this.

Wednesday--I slept all day. I was (and still am) completely exhausted. Taking a shower takes up all my energy I saved up for all day while sleeping. And my hormones are a complete mess. I'll leave that for another post... Aaron's employer was kind enough to send a beautiful plant to our home. Aaron took the day off to stay with me. In a few weeks, once this is all behind me, I will be tested for a bleeding disorder.

Thursday--Aaron went back to work. I got the girls on the bus for school and I felt like I was gonna die. My whole body was shaking by the time it was over. I took some pain pills and went to bed for the rest of the day.

Friday--Here we are. This is real time now. Aaron helped get the girls on the bus before he left for work, thank goodness. He is so wonderful. I really don't know what I'd do without him. I feel sick and shaky. Once I publish this post (which took me two days to write), I'm back to bed, and probably for the whole day again. I felt so good right after surgery that I didn't expect to go through this days later. I'm just exhausted... when will I get back to "normal" again?


Here is my little personal pharmacy. Well, three of those I already have on a regular basis. One was to help stop bleeding. One is my antibiotic after surgery. And I have three different pain pills to choose from.


Here's the beautiful plant Aaron's employer sent to our home. I thought that was so thoughtful of them!

Surgery on Tuesday

Well, just to keep you updated... the miscarriage was incomplete, so I have to have surgery. They scheduled me for Tuesday morning. Aaron will be taking me (I won't be able to drive for 24 hours after the surgery) and my mom is going to be kind enough to come get my girls on the bus that morning. Surgery is @ 9 a.m., but I have to be there by 7:30 a.m. I'm not looking forward to this... but I am looking forward to being done with this and moving on. I've never had surgery before (with exception of removing my wisdom teeth). So, understandably I am nervous and a little stressed about it. I know it's routine for them and not a big deal, but it's a first for me.
So, if I don't post in a while, I'm probably just tired and don't have much to say.
We do, however, have an extremely busy weekend ahead of us, so I will try to remember to take plenty of photos and post about the weekend after my recovery.

You go, girl!

I watched all three hours of republican speeches last night and I have never been so excited about politics in my life! I must admit that I was hesitant to post my thoughts on last night's speeches only because I did not watch the first two nights and I did not watch the democratic convention at all. I will also admit that I have felt at a loss as to who/what to vote for this time around... until McCain announced his running mate. My interest perked up for some reason and all of a sudden I found myself drawn in and anxiously awaiting her speech. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Why were people so upset? What was the controversy? Will we really, truly have a woman vice president? I had to see what was going on...

WOW! I was very much impressed! I actually understood most of the things being talked about. I felt so much older as I sat there nodding my head as one of the speakers listed all the things we're currently concerned about: job security, medical costs, energy independence, keeping my home, will my kids be able to get an education and a job with the way things are headed... I had just resigned to the fact that Obama was ushering in the Second Coming of Christ and I needed to buckle in and get ready for the ride. But, I've changed my mind. Now I'm excited to vote and I have a brand new excitement and desire to watch every single speech and debate from this point on. It's not over yet.

I loved the speeches by the former president of eBay and the CEO of HP. And there were others I found inspiring as well. I'd never heard McCain speak, but I began to take interest and wanted to know more about him and his new running mate. Then Sarah Palin spoke. I couldn't stop smiling. I LOVED HER! She is amazing. Very inspiring woman. I believe she will get things done! I believe she can make a difference!

Here are some things I heard last night that caught my attention:
• We need to fight government dependancy and government over-spending. The government needs to stay on a budget just like families do. If they're spending beyond what they bring in, they need to cut costs and find ways to do without.
• We need to get the government back on the side of the people instead of the government getting in the way of the people and dictating every decision we make.
• As parents, we have the right to decide what is best for our children and our families.
• We need to fight to preserve the traditional family unit.
• We must vote for ENERGY INDEPENDENCE! This is huge to me. I've wanted our country to be energy self-reliant since I was a young girl and knew what energy was and where it came from. I hate that we depend on these countries who hate us. Why are we giving them that control over us? We can do this ourselves and still find ways to be kind to the environment! Besides, what's the point in saving all these nature reserves if we can't save our economy and ourselves? Pretty soon, we won't be able to enjoy these nature reserves anymore anyway, at the rate and direction we're going. We NEED Energy Independence!!! Plus, think of the American jobs this will create! This is the right solution for our economy crisis.
• Vote for SMALLER government. Smaller government means more freedom to make our own decisions and less government expense. Joseph Smith taught us to teach the people correct principles and the people will govern themselves. Someone else was quoted last night as saying "The government that can do everything for us can take everything from us." We must reduce government dependency and vote smaller government. We must not give up what our founding fathers fought for--we are not socialist or communist and we must keep that distinction.
• We must defeat terrorism!
• I prefer straight talk to politically correct talk. I'm not worried about offending terrorists or defending the rights of illegal aliens who break our laws and murder innocent Americans when they should have been in jail but weren't because of a law that protected the alien's "rights" over the American's. (okay, so that last part was from a radio show, not last night)
• Put your country first. This is no time for on-the-job training or self-discovery. We need people with experience who aren't afraid to ruffle feathers and get the job done. Country first.
• We all need to take an informed position. I for one am excited to watch every single speech and debate from here on out.
• Your school desk was already earned for you. Did you thank a veteran today?

Here's something I found from another website:

Three Reasons to Put Sarah Palin on the Ticket

At this stage of the game, the vice-president potential's sole job is to get the presidential candidate elected. For that reason, the VP candidate is often chosen to bring in voters the head guy doesn't. So what does Palin bring to the table?

1. She's mainline conservative.
Her stances on gay marriage, capital punishment, abortion and gun control will appeal to many of the conservatives McCain turned off and into Romney's arms. She could make them feel better about coming out to vote for McCain.

2. She's young and female.
OK, that's two reasons. But she balances out some people's concerns with McCain's age (which frankly stem from having younger presidents for the last 16 years). And being female helps to neutralize the historic impact of either Obama or Clinton.

3. She's charming.
Don't count out the importance of this. For many Democrats, the sheer fact that they like Obama more than Clinton has been enough to counteract any concerns over experience. McCain isn't known for his personal appeal, so she could be an asset on this point.

So, who's in charge here, anyway?

At the risk of revealing my literary and cultural ignorance, I will admit I've never read the great classic, War and Peace. It's not even on my goodreads virtual bookshelf as a "need to read". But today I started wondering if by chance that book is about a woman's war against her body and her struggles and strategies to make peace with her body.

I just discovered I'm at war with my body and I didn't even know it. And I'm not winning at the moment. I got to thinking how I am not at all in control of my body, and now that I got to thinking about it, I'm not sure if I ever was.

I've heard the saying that we are Spiritual Beings having a Mortal Experience. Sounds good. I've been taught the principle that we must nourish our spirits as well as our bodies. I agree, but never focused on the part that spirit and body truly are separate entities. I believe our spirits lived before and that birth into this world is merely a change in living status, that we will die and later be resurrected and reunited with our bodies in perfect form. I've even been taught and warned against the "natural man" and how he is an enemy to God, that we need to restrain our worldly appetites so as to avoid harming our spiritual selves. I believe all of that to be true, but had never stopped to think about the two being so separate.

I wonder if celestial beings are such because during the resurrection process, Christ uses some high-tech, advanced science unknown to us at this time, to weld the spirit and body together in a way that they truly become one and are finally at peace. LOL

I know I can control what goes in and out of my mouth. I know I have the ability to control my thoughts. And I'm blessed enough to be able command my body to walk and move around. But, I realized today that maybe that is the extent of the control that I have over my body.

Here's my case.

About four years ago, I thought I could control the yucky female issues all women have with a pill that makes it possible to only worry about that "monthly visitor" once a quarter. I thought that I was pretty slick in outsmarting that yucky process. I'm in charge here and I don't have to put up with that stuff more than once every three months.

But, my body said, "ha, I'll show her. I'll make her gain 70 pounds over three years of taking these pills. I'll make her boobs triple in size so that no matter how hard she tries to dress modestly, she just can't cover them up. I'll make her have migraines and insomnia and anxiety. I'll stop using her insulin effectively and make her sick. And eventually, I'll make it so she doesn't have a period at all!"

So, in my attempt to control my periods, they went away completely, I got fat, had bad headaches, sleeping problems and anxiety. So, I quit taking the pills and found a new doctor. I find out I'm Insulin Resistant and started taking new pills to make my body use my insulin properly. I finally start to lose weight. My periods became regular for the first time in years. I finally feel in control again and see hope of getting my old body back I had nearly 4 years earlier.

But, my body said, "ha, I'll show her. I'll make her have a fake pregnancy so that her hormones get all jacked up again and she stops losing weight and her boobs get even bigger and hurt all the time and she's an emotional wreck and can't remember anything. Ha, I'll show her who's in control."

So, I find out I'm pregnant. Sure, the first day I feel totally out of control because it was not in the plans. But, the next day, I regain control and make new plans. I decide it's okay to focus on the health of my baby's body and I can control my body again in a couple years when I'm done nursing. I can do this. I'm in control.

But, my body said, "ha, I'll show her. I'll make her bleed just enough that she starts worrying about being too old and having birth defects and she'll have to get an ultrasound to be able to sleep at night. Then she'll discover that she's not really pregnant at all! I'll raise her hormones just enough to give her hope that the baby is there, just too small to see yet. She'll be an emotional wreck."

So, I argue with my nurse over the phone who doesn't have time for me now that it's an undeveloped pregnancy. I found a new doctor. I got multiple tests done to confirm I know exactly what is going on with my body and attempt to regain control. I take medicine to help start the miscarriage. Twice. So that I can move on and regain control of my body NOW instead of whenever it decides to realize it's messed up. Yesterday I thought I was finally on my way of putting this all behind me and starting over.

But, my body said, "ha, I'll show her. I'll make her bleed enough to think she's having a miscarriage finally. Then I'll make it stop. And I'll make that stubborn, worthless, empty gestational sac hold on to her insides for no reason at all, taking away her control over the situation once again."

Come on body, can't we be friends? Can't you help me out here? I'm trying to be good to you. I've been exercising and eating better and I did tons of research to find out what you need most to survive in optimal condition. I just need a little control here. Can't we make peace?

And then, in my irrational mindset, I find myself doing self-destructive behaviors... like stopping at Ritters on the way home from yet another doctor appointment (Did you know they have cake batter flavor? YUM) and buying things I don't really need but make me feel better, like stamping magazines or patterned paper (I need more paper like I need another bag like I need a hole in my head) thinking I could do crafts to keep my mind busy and that I deserve it because I'm going through a hard time. Is this a type of psychological warfare? Body, you play totally unfair. My thoughts are supposed to be the one thing I can control and you're trying to take that, too, with your chemical warfare known as hormones???

So, my next attempt to regain control over my body will be in the form of surgery. With exception to the wisdom teeth extraction my sophomore year of college, I've never had any surgery before. I'm scared. And now that I realize that neither me nor my doctors are in control of my body, I wonder what will said body do in this circumstance? How will she react to anesthesia? How well will she recover? Will I win this battle with control over my body being the prize?

I think the real War & Peace plot has something to do with self-discovery and realizing that sometimes we have to go to war to gain peace. I could be wrong. But, it does fit here. I had to engage in war to learn about insulin and the role it plays in our bodies and how food effects everything else our bodies do and how chemically complicated our fragile bodies can be. Perhaps there is something worthwhile for me to learn in this particular war with my body as well. I just hope Peace is part of the lesson.

BookSmart Anyone?

Those of you who are turning your blog into a book and using Blurb's BookSmart program, will you tell me about your experience?

Overall I am happy with the results and considering it was a free program (until I buy a book), it has some pretty cool features (like a direct connection to my iPhoto files and Picasa web albums, and a drag & drop style of adding in more pictures and blog entries). BUT, mine keeps shutting down on me mid-project. It's SO touchy. If I highlight a whole line and hit delete, it shuts down. I have to go to the end of a line and hit the backspace button in order to delete a sentence to avoid spontaneous shut down. It's not as smooth as a Word document as far as editing the text, so it feels awkward sometimes. If I try to play around with fonts and text size, I have to redo several pages of formatting if I'm not careful. And it's incredibly slow.

Let me know if I'm missing something. Tell me if you have some cool tricks to make this process easier. I'm not even through the first month of blogging entries and I've logged in more than 8 hours of work on my book this week. I think it was Erica Wall who suggested using BookSmart as you blog because it's rather tedious.
Great advice. TAKE IT!