Tired of Being Tired

I've been tired for a week. I mean sleep all day and all night, only get up twice to eat and go to the bathroom tired.

I read that when you lose as much blood as I did (and it was so scary), it could take 4-6 weeks to recover and feel normal again. I talked to my pharmacist yesterday to see what I can do to help speed up recovery of my blood cells. Of course he recommended Iron supplements, which I purchased. I also got some vitamin C supplements. With those two supplements and my daily multi-vitamin and my insulin medicine, that was 5 pills I had to take this morning. I also read to drink plenty of water, of course, and to make sure I get enough salt.

I actually feel a lot better today than I have felt in a week... meaning, I am not light-headed and dizzy and shaking all over just from getting the girls on the bus and off to school. But, I'm still going to have to go take a nap before I can do anything else today. I'm so glad not to be shaking and nauseous, but I'll be glad when I have energy again and when I can stop feeling like this fragile thing that will bruise if you look at me funny.

Vicki asked us last night if we plan to try to have another baby. This is weighing very heavily on me. I feel terrified to put myself in that position again. What if I miscarry again? What if I bleed that bad again, whether I miscarry or deliver full-term? I just feel sick even thinking about it. I think I'm going to return the few baby items I purchased a month ago. Once I'm fully recovered, the doctor will do a blood test to determine if I have a bleeding disorder. I think I'll feel better equipped to make such a life-changing decision once I know more about why I've nearly bled to death with the last two babies. And if I can't physically handle it, what do I do? Is there another spirit child waiting for us to bring him/her here on earth? What was I supposed to learn from this experience? Was this a warning to make permanent changes to prevent another pregnancy that could kill me? Are we supposed to adopt? Or are we just done? I just really don't know right now and need more time to figure it out.
I'm too tired right now...