Follow This Blog!

If you are a Blogger, you may have noticed the new Widget called "Followers".
I've added this Widget to my Blog--it's on the top right over there...

If you are a fellow blogger and come here often, please click the "Follow This Blog" link and add yourself to my list of Followers!

Furthermore, if you are a Blogger user, be sure to add the Widget to your site and I'll be sure to add myself as a Follower to your Blog, too!

Tired of Being Tired

I've been tired for a week. I mean sleep all day and all night, only get up twice to eat and go to the bathroom tired.

I read that when you lose as much blood as I did (and it was so scary), it could take 4-6 weeks to recover and feel normal again. I talked to my pharmacist yesterday to see what I can do to help speed up recovery of my blood cells. Of course he recommended Iron supplements, which I purchased. I also got some vitamin C supplements. With those two supplements and my daily multi-vitamin and my insulin medicine, that was 5 pills I had to take this morning. I also read to drink plenty of water, of course, and to make sure I get enough salt.

I actually feel a lot better today than I have felt in a week... meaning, I am not light-headed and dizzy and shaking all over just from getting the girls on the bus and off to school. But, I'm still going to have to go take a nap before I can do anything else today. I'm so glad not to be shaking and nauseous, but I'll be glad when I have energy again and when I can stop feeling like this fragile thing that will bruise if you look at me funny.

Vicki asked us last night if we plan to try to have another baby. This is weighing very heavily on me. I feel terrified to put myself in that position again. What if I miscarry again? What if I bleed that bad again, whether I miscarry or deliver full-term? I just feel sick even thinking about it. I think I'm going to return the few baby items I purchased a month ago. Once I'm fully recovered, the doctor will do a blood test to determine if I have a bleeding disorder. I think I'll feel better equipped to make such a life-changing decision once I know more about why I've nearly bled to death with the last two babies. And if I can't physically handle it, what do I do? Is there another spirit child waiting for us to bring him/her here on earth? What was I supposed to learn from this experience? Was this a warning to make permanent changes to prevent another pregnancy that could kill me? Are we supposed to adopt? Or are we just done? I just really don't know right now and need more time to figure it out.
I'm too tired right now...

Women, The Multipliers

A cute quote I got in an email today from my aunt Linda:

Whatever you give a woman, she's going to alter.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you meals.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges whatever you give her.

So, if you give her crap, you will receive more s@#% than any one human being can handle!

After a Miscarriage and Surgery: What They Don't Tell You

Let me back up and mention a part of the surgery prep I had not expected and threw me completely off...
At least at the Indiana Surgery Centery attached to Community Hospital South, they have this amazing program for women who miscarry. They offer to take the remains of your baby collected during surgery and through this special program, deliver the remains to a specific mortuary who will provide funeral services.

As irrational as this may sound, I had my own ways of dealing with the miscarriage, like telling myself the following:
* It never developed past 5 weeks, so it hadn't turned into a baby yet. (Now, were I arguing over abortion ethics, I would not say it this way, but when you have a miscarriage, you do what you can to convince yourself it's not as bad as you at first think... besides, I don't know when the spirit enters a body and I didn't feel like I'd lost a spirit... but I do believe in the potential of a human body, which is why it was so important for me to confirm the "baby" was dead before scheduling Dilation and Curettage. I felt I mourned the loss of the potential addition to our family, not the actual bundle of nurves that had not developed any further.)
* It could be so much worse.
* Miscarriage is common, it's no big deal.

So, when the beautiful and compassionate nurse asked me what I wanted to do with the remains of my baby, I broke down. I was not prepared for that question. I had stopped thinking of it as losing a baby and convinced myself I was just dealing with female issues, it was no big deal, women deal with this all the time... I explained to her that I had been bleeding for days and passing huge clots, so most likely, all I had left was lots of blood and I had already flushed my baby's remains down the toilet. As those words left my lips, I choked and cried even harder. But, I didn't want to waste someone else's money on burying a bunch of blood clots. It would be different had the baby developed further, right?

I've been dealing with other issues post-miscarriage that I hadn't expected, so I did some Google searching to see what I could find, to try to determine I'm not abnormal in this respect. I have found almost nothing. I must be crazy. Here are some examples of what I'm talking about:

* I am terrified to become pregnant again. What if I have another miscarriage? What if I bleed like this again after a miscarriage or after birth again? (I had these same bleeding problems after having Bridget, just not quite to the extent that I did with this miscarriage--it was very scary.)

* I think I have the "baby blues". There have been a couple times I caught myself fighting back tears for no reason at all, or maybe just because I was alone. I just felt sad, but had no specific reason to feel that way. I feel insecure. I had the exact same anxiety attack I had both times I gave birth when it was time for Aaron to go back to work... "could I do it alone?" "What if something happens and I'm here by myself?" I knew it was irrational, but the tears began anyway. I just didn't let Aaron know.

* I'm sure I'm having other hormonal issues... I'm craving chocolate like I do with a really bad period. My hair is falling out by the handfuls--it's really bad. I guess this makes sense--my bloodwork before surgery revealed I still had an hCG level in the 4000 range. Not good. I'm sure my levels just dropped drastically after the surgery.

* I'm extrememly tired. I felt so good right after surgery that I just thought I'd be up and moving around in no time. But, I have spent every day since the surgery in bed. After taking a shower, I'm exhausted and have to go back to sleep. They said to be careful for the next 24 hours after surgery, but no one said I'd be this tired for this long. In fact, one source I found said most women can return to work after a couple days. What's wrong with me? Is it because of all the bleeding? That wasn't normal, so maybe that's the variable.

Anyway, there you have it. This is my life after a miscarriage and after surgery. Not sure what I expected, but definitely not the lows, fatigue, hair loss and anxiety I've felt.

Planned VS. Reality

Here's what was planned:

Friday (9/5/08)--Normal school and work day planned. Later, Aaron's mom (who lives in Florida and came out for the baby blessing) would be staying overnight and going with us to the Temple Saturday morning.

Saturday (9/6)--We were to leave the house by 6:30 am and spend the whole day at the temple. The girls were going to help with child care while we helped the youth with baptisms and then did an endowment session and then finish the afternoon witnessing a couple in our ward get sealed to each other.

Sunday (9/7)--We would be attending the Brownsburg Ward @ 1 p.m. for Stevie's baby blessing. Afterward, all the Vails were to come to our house for dinner.

Monday (9/8)--A regular day at work & school... I would be preparing for surgery on Tuesday. I would make sure the girls' backpacks were packed, lunches in the fridge ready to go, and school clothes laying out. We would have a regular FHE lesson and I'd have Aaron give me a priesthood blessing in preparation for the surgery.

Tuesday (9/9)--I was supposed to be at the Indiana Surgery Center by 7:30 a.m. to prep for my 9 a.m. surgery. Aaron would be taking me to surgery and my Mom had agreed to come over at 7 to get the girls ready for school and on the buses. I'd already made arrangements with my YW presidency--they knew I wouldn't be at church this evening. But, I planned for Aaron to be able to take Vicki to Activity Days--I would just be home recovering.

And here is what really happened:

Friday--Aaron's mom couldn't stay with Tim & Jenny because Tim had come down with strep. She needed me to come get her, but I was in a presidency meeting. Aaron left work, got his mom, and they stayed here all day Friday. I showed up later that afternoon, after having lunch with Wendy at BJ's (great restaurant!). Luckily they were both asleep when I got home, so I took advantage and took a nap, too, after cleaning the bathrooms. We tried to get to bed early, but it was tough. I got the van packed with temple clothes and activity bags. Then, we got the call that Tim was in the hospital. His throat was swollen shut and they weren't so sure it was strep. They were keeping him overnight and running more tests in the morning. Jenny was so upset and to add to the fun, she got pulled over for a headlight being burned out. So, Aaron and Mom Vail left for Brownsburg to stay with Jenny, help with Stevie, and give Tim a blessing.
It was a long night... Aaron called around 1 a.m. to check in and Vicki woke up and wondered where Grandma was and cried when I told her what was going on. She was very upset we weren't going to the temple. Bridget woke up at 4 a.m. to go to the bathroom.
And, all this time, I had started to bleed again. That figures, really--I finally decide to take control of the situation and get surgery scheduled and my body decides to remind me that it is in control and began to try to complete the miscarriage naturally on its own. It wasn't heavy, so I didn't let it worry me too much... although I will admit I was a little bit terrified about maybe being in the temple in all white and the bleeding getting heavier...

Saturday--We didn't make it to the temple. The girls were both very upset. But, they did get to spend some nice quality time with their grandma. We went to the park most of the afternoon. The weather was gorgeous. I wasn't feeling 100% and attributed it to having the miscarriage, but it still wasn't really bad. Dan & Tricia came to pick Debbie up to stay with them and we went out to grab dinner, ate it by the big water-fountain at the mall, then walked over to Barnes & Noble and had a great time in the bookstore.

Sunday--Everything went as planned. Only two glitches: I accidentally turned the crock pot to "warm" instead of "high", so I had to bust a move to get the chicken cooked when we got back from church.
And, the miscarriage had gotten heavier and I was cramping pretty bad--I was pretty miserable. I knew I'd need to call the doctor in the morning.

Monday--The girls went to school and Aaron to work as normal. I called the doctor and left a message saying I could most likely cancel the surgery for tomorrow morning because I had been bleeding all weekend and obviously was having the miscarriage on my own and didn't need the D&C. I went to have lunch with Aaron and the nurse called me back while I was out with him--the doctor wanted me to come in for yet another ultrasound.
He went ahead and canceled the surgery, but told me it was possible I'd still need to have it later. I told him that I didn't feel right, that I'd been shaky all day. We thought maybe I was anemic because of the miscarriage, so he ordered blood work for me. Well, I don't know if it was the internal ultrasound and/or the exam, but once Dr. Salazar left the exam room and I got up to get dressed, I began to bleed very heavily and passed a couple clots. I was frantic, trying to clean myself up and not leave a big mess in the exam room. I'd accidentally left my celtic wedding ring behind.
I drove myself to Community Hospital for my blood work. I barely made it to the bathroom in the ER area--I had passed a huge blood clot about the size of a tennis ball. I called the doctor's office from the bathroom in a fit of tears. They said the blood clots were normal, not to worry, but to call if I had any other questions. Well, I could not get the bleeding to stop long enough to leave the bathroom. I was in there for over an hour, crying, bleeding, passing enormous blood clots.
I called Aaron and he left work and came to my rescue (his car is still at Community Hospital as I type). He talked to me until he found me and came into the bathroom with a wheelchair to get me out. He wheeled me to the lab for my blood work, then took me home after picking up my ring I left at the office. In the short time it took to get home, I bled through a pad, my undergarments, and my shorts. I tried to get to the toilet, but blood went everywhere and I dropped another big clot on the bathroom floor. Graphic, I know. Can you imagine living it? I came completely unglued. I was sobbing. Aaron called the doctor for me. I was filling a pad every 10 minutes.
Dr. Salazar sent us to ER. My mom met us at the hospital and took the girls overnight. They did more blood work (the work I'd already done about an hour earlier was sent away). After several hours, they gave me a very painful shot in my butt muscle to try to control the bleeding. I was to follow-up with some pills that would also help with the bleeding. They gave me a script for pain meds for the cramping. I got home around 11:30 that night. My sweet husband took me through the drive-through since I hadn't eaten, and then after dropping me off at home, went back out to buy all the embarrassing supplies I'd need to deal with the bleeding overnight.
So much for FHE.

Tuesday--Mom brought the girls home for school, but Aaron let them stay home since they hadn't gotten much sleep. The doctor's office called and asked me to come in. I told them I was too tired, couldn't we do it tomorrow. LOL They politely told me I needed to come in right away. Dr. Salazar didn't like what he saw in yet another ultrasound (this had become a daily thing for me) and asked me when I ate last. He scheduled me for surgery at 4:00. I had two hours to go home and take a shower and get the girls ready and find a sitter and get a blessing from Aaron. Tricia was wonderful and took care of the girls. But, Vicki didn't get to go to Activity Days. I had to be at the Indiana Surgery Center by 2:30 for prep. I've never had surgery before, so I was scared. But, they were wonderful people there. They took very good care of me.
Once I got over the anesthetic, I felt fabulous! I was elated to be able to go to the bathroom and there wasn't any blood! I wanted to shout it from the rooftops! Times like these, you totally grasp the "opposition in all things" principle. By the time I got home, my throat began to hurt from the tube they put down my throat during surgery, and I had some mild discomfort, but I was still so happy to be on the road to recovery and getting past all this.

Wednesday--I slept all day. I was (and still am) completely exhausted. Taking a shower takes up all my energy I saved up for all day while sleeping. And my hormones are a complete mess. I'll leave that for another post... Aaron's employer was kind enough to send a beautiful plant to our home. Aaron took the day off to stay with me. In a few weeks, once this is all behind me, I will be tested for a bleeding disorder.

Thursday--Aaron went back to work. I got the girls on the bus for school and I felt like I was gonna die. My whole body was shaking by the time it was over. I took some pain pills and went to bed for the rest of the day.

Friday--Here we are. This is real time now. Aaron helped get the girls on the bus before he left for work, thank goodness. He is so wonderful. I really don't know what I'd do without him. I feel sick and shaky. Once I publish this post (which took me two days to write), I'm back to bed, and probably for the whole day again. I felt so good right after surgery that I didn't expect to go through this days later. I'm just exhausted... when will I get back to "normal" again?


Here is my little personal pharmacy. Well, three of those I already have on a regular basis. One was to help stop bleeding. One is my antibiotic after surgery. And I have three different pain pills to choose from.


Here's the beautiful plant Aaron's employer sent to our home. I thought that was so thoughtful of them!

Surgery on Tuesday

Well, just to keep you updated... the miscarriage was incomplete, so I have to have surgery. They scheduled me for Tuesday morning. Aaron will be taking me (I won't be able to drive for 24 hours after the surgery) and my mom is going to be kind enough to come get my girls on the bus that morning. Surgery is @ 9 a.m., but I have to be there by 7:30 a.m. I'm not looking forward to this... but I am looking forward to being done with this and moving on. I've never had surgery before (with exception of removing my wisdom teeth). So, understandably I am nervous and a little stressed about it. I know it's routine for them and not a big deal, but it's a first for me.
So, if I don't post in a while, I'm probably just tired and don't have much to say.
We do, however, have an extremely busy weekend ahead of us, so I will try to remember to take plenty of photos and post about the weekend after my recovery.