This totally sucks

Well, so much for having another baby in April.
I just got the call a little while ago. My numbers didn't double. They did increase by a little less than a hundred and that's it. I guess that means something is still going on, but as the nurse put it, "it is not a viable pregnancy and I should expect to have a miscarriage".
I don't understand. I've not had any cramping and I've not been spotting this week since Monday morning. What in the world is going on inside my body?? I guess I just have to sit around and wait for the inevitable to happen.
I just feel sick. I am so heartbroken.
I know things could be worse and I am still counting my many blessings. I still know Heavenly Father loves me and is aware of my trials.
But, this still totally sucks.
I don't know what else to say.

Logan, the Sky Angel Cowboy

Here I am waiting on pins and needles for that phone call from the OB office, waiting to find out if a simple number has doubled or not...
And I see this video again. I've seen (heard) it several times. And with more than 8 million views, I'm sure you've seen/heard it, too. But, it always makes me cry. Every time.
Just in case you haven't seen it, or you could use a "pick-me-up", here it is:

Thanks for the support

I so very much appreciate the emails and comments from everyone. It has given me hope that everything will be okay, or that I'll get through this with lots of support if it's not okay.

What has been the most helpful is knowing that Heavenly Father is well aware of what is going on and He is in charge of the big picture plan. I know He is in control and His purposes will unfold in time.

I'm sorry I'm not answering the phone. I am just not up for conversation until I know what is really going on. I just can't think straight and I already feel stupid for sharing our news prematurely, so I'd just rather keep to myself until I know what is really going on.

The ultrasound tech wasn't clear when I left yesterday--she had told me someone would call today telling me about my bloodwork from yesterday. She didn't say exactly what the bloodwork was for, either, although I kinda guessed that since we were doing two sets of bloodwork, they would be comparing numbers to see if there were changes... Well, I waited by the phone all day and finally called them @ 3:30. Turns out they had no intention of calling--yesterday's blood was just a baseline for tomorrow's blood. She said my numbers are very high, but they will be looking to see if they increase. If they do increase, it means that they will need to do another ultrasound and find out what is going on. No promises, but at least there's a chance the baby is still there. If the numbers go down, that indicates I am having a miscarriage.

So, I won't know anything until Thursday.
I'm just praying that I am right and the baby is only 5 weeks old instead of 7. That still doesn't explain why the tech couldn't find a heartbeat or yolk sac, but my hope is that it was just too early to see those things. They don't really give you more info than what you ask for, so I feel pretty much in the dark here. I'm sure they don't want to scare me or give me false hope either.

I'll post again on Thursday to let you know what I find out...

More of the Unexpected

Well, now I understand why smart women wait until they have safely entered into their second trimester before blabbing their news to the world.
Something is wrong and I am sick about it.
I've been spotting for several days. Now, I went through that with Bridget, so I knew better than to totally freak out. But, when it was still happening today, I called the DR first thing and practically begged to be seen this week as opposed to waiting for Sept 8.
The ultrasound tech kindly squeezed me in her schedule @ 11 today. To my horror, she couldn't find the yolk sac or heartbeat. She said I am measuring too small to be 7 weeks. I told her I was pretty sure I ovulate later than the textbook says, so I could very well be 5 weeks along instead of 7. But, her demeanor scared me--she kept looking and obviously didn't find what was needed to assure me everything was okay. And she found a pocket of blood in my uterus.
This is not good.
They took my blood and said they'd call tomorrow with more information. I go in again on Wednesday for another blood draw. I don't understand what is going on and I'm scared. I've just stayed in bed all day today.
I really wish I hadn't posted the last post so soon. I really wish I hadn't told everyone. I really wish I hadn't started picking out names and telling family and shopping for stuff and registered to get stupid baby emails telling me what my baby would look like if it hadn't stopped progressing two weeks ago.
I don't want to talk to anyone about this. I'm only posting this so that I don't get anymore congratulations comments because it is premature to congratulate us. I should have known better than to share so soon.

Expecting the Unexpected

I wasn't expecting this... it wasn't planned... Here I thought I'd entered into a new chapter of my life, having all my kids in school, wondering if I was really ready for that chapter...
...and now I am expecting our third baby!
That's right, I'm expecting!
I'm going to have another baby after five years of thinking we were done! All I can say is I am grateful to know that Heavenly Father is in charge and to know that there must have been one more spirit child up there saying, "Hey, what about me? Don't forget me!" I'm grateful for the gospel in my life so I can be at peace with this unexpected turn on my path.

I am nervous, that is for sure. I am a lot older this time. I'm two years shy of the "at-risk pregnancy" age. I'm worried about everything being okay. I'm worried about the gap in age of my kids. I'm worried about gaining more weight when I had just a few months ago finally learned what was wrong with my body and started losing weight. But, at least I've been eating healthy and I've been walking a little over a mile every morning. So, I just have to have faith it will all work out okay. Just focus on keeping this baby healthy and I can worry about fixing my body later.

You know, people do say that you should never give away all your maternity clothes and your baby gear, because if you do, you're bound to have another baby. Nah, not me. I knew I was doing the right thing giving away all my baby gear and clothing to people who needed it more than me.
I thought I was in control of my plans.
Not true.
Heavenly Father is in control and He sees the bigger picture that for me is a little out of focus.
I should have expected that. =)

Making Strides Against Breast Cancer

My sister, Angela, is participating in the Walk Against Breast Cancer. If you are interested in helping her meet her pledge goal or signing up yourself, here is the information I got from her:

Dear Coworkers, Friends and Family,

This year, hundreds of thousands of people will hear the words, “You have breast cancer,” and there’s a good chance that some of them will be people we know and love. I have chosen to fight back against this disease and help make a difference by participating in the American Cancer Society Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk, and I hope you will join me.

Making Strides Against Breast Cancer is our opportunity to honor and celebrate breast cancer survivors, educate women about early detection and prevention, and raise money to fund lifesaving research and support programs to help fight breast cancer. But Making Strides is more than just the name of a walk, it describes the amazing progress we can make if we work together to defeat this disease.

Below is a link to my personal page. I hope you will visit my site and sign up to join my team. If you prefer, you can start your own team, sign up to walk as an individual, or make a donation. Hope starts with me and it can continue with you. Please join my team and walk with us to experience an incredible day of inspiration and meaning, and to provide hope for all people facing breast cancer.

To donate now or find out more, use this link to visit my personal page.

Sincerely,
Angela Terry


View the American Cancer Society Privacy Policy and State Fundraising Notices.