Summer Rewind Intro

So, the very first thought in my mind this morning was "one more day until the ultrasound", so apparently, even though I thought I had been doing a great job this week about keeping myself mentally busy, it's still right there in the front of my mind.

So, one more day of keeping my mind busy and then we'll find out if there's a baby or not.

Okay, so I've gotten way behind on blogging/journaling. The last two months have just flown by and have been filled with activities. In July, there was Girls' Camp, our family trip to Gatlinburg & Ohio, and Youth Conference. In August, Bridget started school (full-day kindergarten)... and we're all attempting to get back into a good school routine. Add to that the mental stress of managing a new health plan to get my old body back, then to find out that I'm pregnant, only to find out I'm miscarrying, only to find out we don't know if there's a baby or not... and there was also that potential move to Florida that I spent hours and hours researching houses and schools for, only for it to have been a total waste of my time. (If anyone needs some advice on real estate or schools in Boca Raton, Coral Springs or Coconut Creek, Florida, let me know.)

So, we're staying in Indy. Bridget loves school. Vicki's enjoying 4th grade and loves her teacher (she says she smells like vanilla ice cream). I may or may not be having a baby. Aaron loves his job, but doesn't love his boss, so is casually looking for other options. And the YW of Indy III are still keeping me on my toes. I think that about sums it up.

For the next few posts, once I get done uploading my hundreds of photos to my computer, I'm going to catch up on all our adventures over the last two months. So, stay tuned for the Summer Rewind...

Movie Rewind

I like to review the movies we see so I can remember what I've seen and what I liked in years to come.
We've seen several since I last had a chance to blog.
I'm going to give a brief opinion of each one in this one post...

VANTAGE POINT (we rented this one)


Aaron and I loved this. WOW, it is probably the most intense movie ever! It is a unique movie that shows the same 23 minutes of story (a US presidential assassination at a political event in Spain) from 8 different perspectives. Each time you see the story from another character's eyes, you learn a little more about what has truly happened. VERY exciting movie!

MUMMY 3 (Tomb of the Dragon Emperor)


This was a huge disappointment. We saw it on our anniversary (12 years baby!) date night. We both really enjoyed the first two Mummy movies, but this was just not any where near as good as the first two. And we missed the original actress who played opposite Brendan Fraser. Not that the substitute was a bad actress, but she and Brendan didn't have the same chemistry. Oh, well.

HANCOCK (saw this digital at The Rave)


Such a fun movie! I think Will Smith is great and he delivered in this one just like he always does. It was very funny and there was a nice, unexpected twist in the plot. Probably will be a DVD purchase for us.

WALLE


Pixar never ceases to amaze me. This is an excellent family film and a definite DVD purchase this winter. The story is so unique and has multi-level meaning to it (the kids enjoy it on a surface level, but there is more for adults to get out of it as well). So cute. And Vicki said it had some good life lessons, too.

And the Short Film (PRESTO) right before was hilarious and ingenious! So stinkin' cute!



EMMA SMITH: MY STORY (saw at Youth Conference)


Loved it. I laughed. I cried. I never knew much about Emma Smith and her story is absolutely amazing. Anyone who is LDS or interested in the "Mormon" history would enjoy this movie. Well done.

BATMAN: THE DARK KNIGHT


I didn't understand this movie very well. I left the theater wondering "what just happened here?". I got the general idea, but didn't understand the motive of all the characters all the time. The plot got a little too complicated for my simple mind. Or too deep or something. I don't know. I just like to be entertained and I had to think too hard on this one. I really, really loved the first one from this director and group of actors (Batman Begins), so I had high expectations and just didn't get it this time. Of course, the legendary Heath Ledger was brilliant. I'm so sad he's gone. Unfortunately, we won't be purchasing this one. Unless maybe if it comes with a book to explain the plot and characters to me. ;-) Don't get me wrong--some great action and well-done cinematography, but it just went over my head.

But If Not...

There's some great stuff in the Old Testament. Here's one of my new favorite stories:

There was this evil king named Nebuchadnezzar who required all his people to worship this golden statue he had made. They were supposed to fall down and worship this golden image every time they heard music that indicated it was that time; and if they didn't do it, the punishment was burning by a fiery furnace.

But, there were certain Jews named Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego who were God-fearing and refused to obey the king's orders to worship an idol or false gods. These three good men were brought before king Nebuchadnezzar for questioning and as he was about to sentence them to be thrown into the fiery furnace, he tempted them, asking "who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?"

Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego, with perfect faith, declared that their God was fully capable of delivering them out of the king's hands, BUT IF NOT, they will still refuse to serve his false gods. Nebuchadnezzar was so furious that he had his guards turn the heat up even more than usual, so hot that the king's most able men were consumed by the heat when they threw the three Jews inside.

Here's where it gets so good... Nebuchadnezzar came to check up on his furnace and saw some men walking around, alive, in the furnace. He asked his guard, "Did not we cast three men bound into the midst of the fire?". The counsellors answered, "I see FOUR men loose, walking in the midst of the fire, and they have no hurt; and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God."

An LDS songwriter named Michael Hicks told us in a youth fireside recently, in summing up the moral of this story, that when you don't bow down to the world, look who you get to walk with.

Amazing. I love it.

But what intrigues me most is the "but if not" part. I did a search and found two General Conference talks with this title and read them this weekend. Here's what I learned:

Elder Simmons talked about how Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego knew they could TRUST God, even if things didn't work out quite how they had hoped. So, faith in God is total trust in Him, regardless if we understand the course or outcome of a certain trial. Elder Simmons explained, "Faith is believing that although we do not understand all things, He does. Faith is knowing that although our power is limited, His is not. Faith in Jesus Christ consists of complete reliance on Him."

Both talks teach about how this life on Earth is a testing ground. Elder Simmons said, "great challenges make great [wo]men." Elder Wickman explains, "mortality was designed, in a manner of speaking, as the season of unanswered questions... humility and submissiveness are an expression of complete willingness to let the 'why' questions go unanswered for now, or perhaps even to ask 'why not?'... mortality's supreme test is to face the 'why' and then let it go, trusting humbly in the Lord's promise that 'all things must come to pass in their time.'" I've always heard of this concept of "enduring to the end", and now I think I better understand what that means. To not only survive our trials and sufferings, but to have true faith in the Lord by enduring well and realizing that even when things are tough, the Lord is still in charge and we have something to gain from the experiences. The Joseph Smith translation of Hebrews 11:40 sums it up well: "God having provided some better things for them through their sufferings, for without sufferings they could not be made perfect."

I think it is interesting that this particular story and lesson were brought to my attention a few weeks before all this craziness came up, and I thought I understood it then. But there was more to the "but if not" part of the scripture story that I needed to understand by experience. To know first hand that the Lord is capable of miracles, but if not, I will endure a miscarriage or whatever health issues I need to endure and know He has something better in store for me later. I just have to do my part, do my best, and have true faith, the kind of faith that is trust in the Lord even when things don't turn out how I hope they will, and eventually all things will be restored to perfect order.


Scripture reference: Daniel chapter 3

"But If Not …" by Elder Dennis E. Simmons Of the Seventy (May 2004 Ensign)

"But If Not" by Elder Lance B. Wickman Of the Seventy (November 2002 Ensign)

What am I thinking?

I just wanted to post one more thing today besides my medical update.
I wanted to help you get inside my head a little bit.

I think I've offended or hurt some feelings by saying I don't want to see or talk to anyone for a while.
It's not that I don't appreciate my wonderful and caring friends. And many of you have the "been there, done that" stories that have helped me get through this. I'm grateful for the emails and comments on my blog.

Let me share briefly what is going on in my head.
I'm not depressed.
I've already been told I'm walking down a dangerous path of depression and I didn't take that well. I don't like being told how to feel. I know how I feel and I'm not depressed.

Anxious, yes. Tired and achy, yes. Frustrated, often. Angry, a couple of times. Sad and heartbroken for the loss of what I had expected to happen in 9 months, yes, for a while on Monday and again on Thursday and a little bit on Friday, but not constantly. I'm not depressed and I'm not shutting out the world.

Blogging and emailing has been very, very therapeutic for me. I appreciate the technology to share my thoughts and experiences one time, on my own time, and with spell-check and proof-reading. It's there for all my friends and family to see, they all get the same story, and I don't have to say it over and over (reliving it over and over).

On the flip side, the reality is that I often don't know what to think or say or do. I have obsessive compulsive personality disorder, which means I need to be in control of my life as much as possible. I like to have a game plan and know the rules so I can follow them. I can accept change and detours, but I take time to readjust my thinking and my plan. For example, when I found out I was pregnant, the very first day I was a mess because it was a major change of plans. But, the next day and every day after I became more and more excited because I was able to readjust and mentally take in the change in game plan. But, right now, I don't even know what game I'm playing and there are no rules, or the rules keep changing every day. I don't deal well with that kind of unknown. It causes me anxiety and a lot of stress and I almost feel paralyzed by the unknown. I don't like people to see me like this. I don't want this to define who I am.

I also feel so stupid for sharing my news prematurely and in a way, these updates are a bit embarrassing because I feel so exposed. My body issues are very personal and it's not easy for me to share all of this with the people in my world. I like for people to know what I'm going through so they understand my behavior, but at the same time, I struggle with feeling embarrassed by how vulnerable and exposed I've made myself by sharing.

I don't know if any of that makes any sense. But, please don't take it personally. It's me, not you.
The emails and comments are fabulous and I love it. I just don't want anyone to see me like this and I don't know what to say to anyone because I don't myself understand or know what is going on.

Once I know what game I'm in (whether that is pregnancy or miscarriage or special-needs baby or whatever) and what the rules are, I'll be back in the game and I'll be fine. I already know things happen for a reason. I already know Heavenly Father is in charge and I am willing to accept His will. I'm going to be just fine. I just need time to absorb what is going on and figure out what it all means for me, and then my brain will start functioning normal again, whatever normal is.

The Nutty Numbers Game

I must stop having expectations. Will things continue to be so unexpected if I stop having expectations? I don't know...

Okay, I did not post yesterday because I was waiting to hear from my doctor. I didn't want to give a partial report.

First, let me say that Dr. Salazar is a keeper.
I already posted how kind and efficient they were before I'd even stepped foot into the office.

Let me back up... I went to the not-so-nice office in the morning and tried to retreive my ultrasound pictures and bloodwork results to take with me to Dr. Salazar's office. I figure I'm paying for those tests, I have the right to get them. Well, once again, I had to fill out a form and someone would call me. I said I'd wait in the office. I was told I would only receive a phone call, no one would answer my request in person. I told the lady I'd go to lunch and come back. About an hour later, the nurse called me to tell me there were no ultrasound pictures. I argued saying I saw them on Monday. She said, "no, those are in your chart and you can't have them, but we'll make sure to get you some pictures when you come in for the next ultrasound on Tuesday." Then she gave me my hCG numbers over the phone.
Remember how she said on Thursday that my numbers hadn't even gone up a hundred points and kept repeating it was not a viable pregnancy and there was nothing else that could be done?
Okay, my hCG on Monday was 4704 and on Wednesday it was 4895. So, it has been a while since I tested out of college Calculous back in 1993, but I think that adds up to more than a hundred point increase. Why would the nurse lie to me about that?

So, fast forward to my afternoon doctor appointment in Greenwood. Dr. Salazar was very kind, very thorough and took his time. I didn't feel he was annoyed with me or wanting to rush me out of his hair. He did an exam and did his own ultrasound. He explained the blood in my uterus and measured the gestational sac. I still only measured at 5 weeks, same as Monday. Not good. But, he took the time to explain everything to me. He said that although this kind of thing is very common for them, and that almost all women miscarry at some point whether they know it or not, he understands is it not common for the individual and he expressed sympathy. He gave me a pamphlet on miscarriage so I had some education to take home. And he offered me a new option. He knew it would not be easy to wait it out a month or two to see when the miscarriage would take place, but knowing how scared I was of surgery, he said I could also insert these pills that would have a similar effect as a D & C, but in the comfort of my own home. They would flush everything out and he would then do another ultrasound to make sure everything came out okay. BUT, he wanted to be 100% sure we weren't killing anything that might still be alive, so he wanted to do one more blood test, thank goodness!

He put a STAT order on the blood test request. I went to Community Hospital for the test. They took 3 vials! Yikes! And then they never did call Dr. Salazar back yesterday! He had given me a script for the drug that starts the cleaning out part, but told me not to take it until he told me to. Oh, and he also prescribed me a pain killer, which I thought was so nice.

SO, the hospital finally called the doctor with my results this afternoon. Dr. Salazar called me on a Saturday at 3:15 to tell me the results and counsel with me!! How many doctors do that? Here's the crazy part--my numbers went up to 5900! That's still not a good number, but that is an awful big jump up when a miscarriage would bring numbers down! So, he told me NOT to take the pills, and instead, he called in a progesterone pill he wants me to take to help the baby grow if it's still there.

It still does not look good. But, he is not 100% sure, so he is taking precautions. That is exactly what I need in a doctor. I understand this does not look good--I understand it could still be an undeveloped pregnancy or something bad like that. In fact, now I'm quite scared of having a badly deformed or handicapped baby. He did not know why my numbers are going up so high without doubling, but he wants to get me in for another ultrasound on Thursday. He asked how I was feeling and if I'd had any spotting. No spotting, but I have had some discomfort in my back and lower abdomen. I assumed it was cramping, but who the heck knows now?

So, that's where things lie right now--just as much uncertainty as I've had all week long with all the ups and downs, but at least this time, I feel like I've got someone on my team instead of being dismissed as an annoying patient with false hopes.

WARNING: The next paragraph has some inappropriate verbiage...

Okay, so we all need some comic relief in these sobering circumstances, right?
So, here's mine.
I went to the pharmacy to get my pain pills and the Misoprostol (used to prevent ulcers, but when taken vaginally, causes the uterus to contract, therefore releasing this mess in my body). I know it's so gross, but you actually put the 4 pills in the vagina. I know, way too much information. But, it's worth it when you see the instruction label that was on the pill bottle:

I don't know about you, but I only have one vagina. So, I just rolled in laughter when I read the instructions!
That's good comic relief for my stressful week.

I have three options?

Okay, so the nurse calls this afternoon after cooly telling me this is "not a viable pregnancy". She tells me she's spoken with the doctor and I have three options. Here they are:

1) I can just let things go and wait it out. (no further appointments, just go with the flow, see what happens, what is inevitable)
Okay, I already feel totally in the dark as to what is going on with my body, so this is not cool. I've practically begged for more answers and a chance to talk with the doctor, only to be left with short phone conversations and lab techs who know nothing or can't say anything without talking to the doctor who doesn't have time to talk to me.

2) I can schedule a D & C.
What the heck? Okay, we don't know what's going on, don't know why I have a pool of blood in my uterus, don't have a clue why this could be an unhealthy pregnancy, and the doctor hasn't even personally seen me (nor has the nurse), but he's willing to scrape my insides out. She played this one up, telling me it would be nice to have it scheduled so I knew when to expect everything. Sounds too much like an abortion to me. Not that I feel particularly up to the challenge of a special-needs kid, but I don't want to just scrape it out. Whatever. Next option?

3) I can schedule another ultrasound.
Okay, sounds like the smartest choice to me. Let's dig a little deeper and find out what is going on. Let's not just take the word of an inexperienced ultrasound tech, who admitted to me she'd never done an ultrasound that early in a pregnancy before, and one set of blood tests... makes sense to me that maybe there's more info to be found out, more questions I still haven't gotten answered because I can't get through the answering system and talk to a real person.

I tell her I want option 3. She said she expected as much from me and said the earliest they could get me in was Tuesday afternoon.
Oh, and she said we'd just keep my original date of Sept 8 (supposed to be my first OB visit of this pregnancy) as a FOLLOW UP appointment. To her, my baby is already in the past and we've got a follow-up visit scheduled. So, this ultrasound is just to humor me.
Nice.

So, I decide to make a 4th option for myself.

I found a new doctor.

I called up Dr. Salazar's office this afternoon. Probably just a couple hours or less before closing time. The nice office lady takes down all my information and promises a return call by tomorrow afternoon. Already more than what my current office has done. (Did I tell you how annoyed they were when I called Tuesday wanting to know the results of my first blood test? "There's nothing to tell, this is just a baseline for tomorrow's test." I'm so sorry to bother you, I just wanted to know if my baby is alive or not.)
Within about 10 minutes, maybe less, the doctor's nurse calls me up and asks me more details. She listened so well and offered consolation and validated me (good women know this is so important to do for us), then asked me more questions about the ultrasound, the timing of the blood tests, anything she can gather. She was so sweet to me. She talked with me for several minutes, didn't seem annoyed even once, and didn't seem rushed. She told me that you can never see the yolk sac or heartbeat at 5 weeks, so that should not have been such an alarm. She did say, though, that the lack of doubled numbers does seem to indicate it is not a healthy pregnancy. But she did not write me off and wish me well with my miscarriage like the other nurse (did I tell you that when I freaked out, begging the nurse to tell me what to expect since I'd never had a miscarriage, she just said "Just call us if you fill a pad with blood in 30 minutes or less because that's too much bleeding. Other than that, there's nothing we can do").

Dr. Salazar was in an emergency c-section surgery. They didn't expect him to return to the office today, so promised a phone call sometime tomorrow. But, no, I received a phone call around 4:30 (all my other doctor offices would be closed by now) and the nurse said she talked with Dr. Salazar, told him my whole story, and he wants to see me tomorrow afternoon. WOW. That is a doctor who cares about his patients, even the one he's never met yet.

So, even if this ends not-so-happily, I've got myself a good, caring doctor now for the next round. Yea, I'm pretty sure now that there's a third spirit up there waiting to come to earth. I can't abandon him/her now.

So, then I decide I want to find out more info on these HCG numbers that have doomed me to hell and back. Here's the first thing I found:

In general, the HCG level will double every 2-3 days in early pregnancy. (note: "in general", not ALL the time)

85% of normal pregnancies will have the HCG level double every 72 hours. (note: 85%, not 100% AND in 72 hours, NOT 46!!!!!)

HCG levels peak at about 8-10 weeks of pregnancy and then decline, remaining at lower levels for the rest of the pregnancy.

There is a large variation in a "normal" HCG level for any given time in pregnancy.

Pregnancies destined to miscarry or to be ectopic (tubal) pregnancies tend to show lower levels (eventually), but often have normal levels initially.

Some normal pregnancies will have quite low levels of HCG - and deliver perfect babies. Caution must be used in making too much of HCG "numbers". Ultrasound findings after 5-6 weeks of pregnancy are much more predictive of pregnancy outcome than are HCG levels.

So, there you have it. Hmm, this other doctor was ready to scrape my insides up based on a number that isn't even as accurate as a stick I pee on. Seems a little too anxious to get me out of their hair and move on the the next patient.

Let me also say that even though I went in initially because I was experiencing some light bleeding, I have not had that going on since Monday morning, nor have I had any cramping at all. I did bleed a little with Bridget, so I wasn't in a panic, just wanted to check on things since I'm 33 and feeling a little "old" this time.
Let me also say that it was not a full 48 hours between my blood tests. Granted, I should have gone up to 8,000 beta whatever numbers, but I want a redo. Maybe I'm stupid, but I'm just not ready to give up.

Here's a little more info I found online:

Q: Should my hCG level be checked routinely?
A: It is not common for doctors to routinely check your hCG levels unless you are showing signs of a possible problem. A health care provider may recheck your levels if you are bleeding, experiencing severe cramping, or have a history of miscarriage.

Key things to remember about hCG levels:
• In about 85% of normal pregnancies, the hCG level will double every 48 - 72 hours. As you get further along in pregnancy and the hCG level gets higher, the time it takes to double can increase to about every 96 hours.

• Caution must be used in making too much of hCG numbers. A normal pregnancy may have low hCG levels and result in a perfectly healthy baby. The results from an ultrasound after 5 - 6 weeks gestation are much more accurate than using hCG numbers.

• A single hCG reading is not enough information for most diagnoses. When there is a question regarding the health of the pregnancy, multiple testings of hCG done a couple of days apart give a more accurate assessment of the situation. (this is the part that makes me angry--why didn't I get a third blood test?)

All I want is some decent health care. I want to be more than a number or a voice mail, just another call to have to reply to. I am a person with feelings and fear of the unknown. I want answers to what is happening so that I can avoid a repeat of the same situation. I want someone with a degree who will be sending me a huge bill to at least act like he is concerned about my well-being and my baby's full-term health.

I can accept what is to come. I can accept my body is far from perfect and has undergone many changes over the last several months. I can accept I'm having a miscarriage (well, after decent proof). I can accept God's will and take my trials like a woman. But I think I deserve better medical treatment. I have more than three options. I will be going in to the other office in the morning to get my ultrasound pictures and my hCG numbers and canceling that ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday. I will be going to Dr. Salazar tomorrow and I will find out what is going on.

That's right, I choose option #4, the one I just made for myself and my future child, whenever s/he decides to join us.
I shall return and report.