What am I thinking?

I just wanted to post one more thing today besides my medical update.
I wanted to help you get inside my head a little bit.

I think I've offended or hurt some feelings by saying I don't want to see or talk to anyone for a while.
It's not that I don't appreciate my wonderful and caring friends. And many of you have the "been there, done that" stories that have helped me get through this. I'm grateful for the emails and comments on my blog.

Let me share briefly what is going on in my head.
I'm not depressed.
I've already been told I'm walking down a dangerous path of depression and I didn't take that well. I don't like being told how to feel. I know how I feel and I'm not depressed.

Anxious, yes. Tired and achy, yes. Frustrated, often. Angry, a couple of times. Sad and heartbroken for the loss of what I had expected to happen in 9 months, yes, for a while on Monday and again on Thursday and a little bit on Friday, but not constantly. I'm not depressed and I'm not shutting out the world.

Blogging and emailing has been very, very therapeutic for me. I appreciate the technology to share my thoughts and experiences one time, on my own time, and with spell-check and proof-reading. It's there for all my friends and family to see, they all get the same story, and I don't have to say it over and over (reliving it over and over).

On the flip side, the reality is that I often don't know what to think or say or do. I have obsessive compulsive personality disorder, which means I need to be in control of my life as much as possible. I like to have a game plan and know the rules so I can follow them. I can accept change and detours, but I take time to readjust my thinking and my plan. For example, when I found out I was pregnant, the very first day I was a mess because it was a major change of plans. But, the next day and every day after I became more and more excited because I was able to readjust and mentally take in the change in game plan. But, right now, I don't even know what game I'm playing and there are no rules, or the rules keep changing every day. I don't deal well with that kind of unknown. It causes me anxiety and a lot of stress and I almost feel paralyzed by the unknown. I don't like people to see me like this. I don't want this to define who I am.

I also feel so stupid for sharing my news prematurely and in a way, these updates are a bit embarrassing because I feel so exposed. My body issues are very personal and it's not easy for me to share all of this with the people in my world. I like for people to know what I'm going through so they understand my behavior, but at the same time, I struggle with feeling embarrassed by how vulnerable and exposed I've made myself by sharing.

I don't know if any of that makes any sense. But, please don't take it personally. It's me, not you.
The emails and comments are fabulous and I love it. I just don't want anyone to see me like this and I don't know what to say to anyone because I don't myself understand or know what is going on.

Once I know what game I'm in (whether that is pregnancy or miscarriage or special-needs baby or whatever) and what the rules are, I'll be back in the game and I'll be fine. I already know things happen for a reason. I already know Heavenly Father is in charge and I am willing to accept His will. I'm going to be just fine. I just need time to absorb what is going on and figure out what it all means for me, and then my brain will start functioning normal again, whatever normal is.